Stepping into the Unknown

Wow, it’s really happening. When I penned my last post, I had no clue my fresh start would arrive so swiftly. After over 40 years in the corporate world, I’m thrilled to announce that come May 1st, 2024, I’ll be diving headfirst into the realm of full-time coaching entrepreneurship, having embraced an early retirement opportunity. It’s a dream I’ve nurtured for ages.

Springtime in Seattle, March 2024

It’s funny how wishing for something is one thing, but achieving it is another beast entirely. There’s the allure of breaking free from the corporate grind, of being your own boss, and then there’s the stark reality of running a small business. Here are some of the changes I’ve been exploring over the past few months:

• Farewell to Familiar Faces: Leaving behind my colleagues and clients feels like bidding adieu to family. I’ve forged countless connections over the years, and I’ll dearly miss the camaraderie and collaborations. But it’s a signal for me to cultivate new networks, to actively seek out and connect with fresh faces creating new tribes.

• The Unknown Terrain: What does it truly mean to be a small business owner? While the corporate world offered stability and status, it also came bundled with its own set of challenges — long hours, bureaucratic hurdles, and the constant threat of restructuring. Now, it’s my turn to craft systems that ensure my relevance in the marketplace, fostering the growth of a thriving small business.

• Financial Jitters: No more steady paycheck. The security of knowing there’s always another payday has been replaced by a sense of financial responsibility. Budgeting has become my North Star, guiding every expenditure. It’s not about what I can’t afford anymore, but rather what truly matters to me and how I choose to spend my time.

Powerless Structure, Elmgreen & Dragset, 1997 — Louisiana Museum of Modern Art - Humlebaek, Denmark

Staying Relevant: Relinquishing my role as a trusted advisor in my organization, I’m navigating uncharted waters. But there’s no reason I can’t carve out a similar role in the coaching world. It’s a matter of honing my expertise and applying familiar leadership principles in a new setting.

• Lone Wolf Syndrome: Projects in the corporate world had a life of their own, and recognition was never far behind for the overachievers. Now, as a solo entrepreneur, the journey can feel lonely. To create a new team, I’m setting up a business mastermind group for coaches so that we can provide each other with mutual accountability and support.

• Embracing Collaboration: While I relished teamwork in my corporate days, I’m finding new partners in the coaching sphere. Already, I’m collaborating with another coach (Ana McGough) on a project to assist job seekers — a venture brimming with excitement and possibility. Stay tuned for more information!

• Embracing the Unknown: As I bid farewell to my corporate responsibilities, I’m using this transitional period to lay the groundwork for my future endeavors. The possibilities are endless, and while there’s no playbook for this next chapter, that’s where the magic lies — in crafting something entirely my own.

What I’ve come to realize is that building a business isn’t merely about acquiring new skills; it’s about personal growth, creativity, and resourcefulness. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions — daunting yet exhilarating, filled with both pitfalls and surprises. But hey, I’ve strapped on my seatbelt, and I’m ready for the ride!

Gefjon Fountain, Copenhagen, Denmark — Norse legend Gefjon turned her four sons into oxen to plow the Danish island of Zealand from the sea

Endings are Beginnings in Disguise

I recently said goodbye to my canine companion of 13 years, Wallace.

Wallace on Alki Beach, Seattle, WA

A big dog with a big personality, he suffered from hip dysplasia and arthritis. In the end, his mobility was severely impaired and it became too painful for him to walk. While it was the right decision, there was nothing easy about it.

And so 13 years of companionship, walks, licking my face, snuggles, drinking from the toilet, multiple medications/injections, frequent vet visits, the consumption of puzzle pieces that fell to the floor, treats from our mail carrier slipped through the mail slot, inappropriate sniffing of guests, trying to inconspicuously sneak off with a giant hunk of cheese during a party, eating out of trash cans, an endless supply of dog fur, and general barking for no reason came to an end on February 12th, 2024.

He was well-loved by his family and community and enthusiastically loved us back. We were lucky to have such a wonderful family member.

This ending offered several lessons:

• A renewed appreciation for the companionship and love that I sometimes took for granted with Wallace

• Doing the right thing can be incredibly painful and difficult. But I also discovered strength I didn’t know I had

• Friends offering support during and after his passing were an incredible gift. I was amazed and touched by the compassion and kindness of friends calling, checking in, and offering support.

• Grief is a strange companion. It turns a person into a minefield: everything is fine until someone steps on a mine no one knew was there. I am learning to acknowledge and accept the different emotions that come up whenever they come up. I don't like it, but I don’t have a choice.

As I start to see what lies ahead, I’ve discovered a few gifts left behind by Wallace

• A sense of relief knowing that Wallace is pain-free and probably playing with other dogs in his new world. He had been living with hip dysplasia and arthritis for the last 5 years and while he was pain-tolerant, he wasn’t pain-free.

• The house stays cleaner longer and the nights are quieter. Wallace was a big shedder and a noisy sleeper.

• I leave the house guilt-free for as long as I’d like. Wallace was anxious when left alone.

• Suddenly, I’ve gotten better at Wordle. I think Wallace is sending me secret hints…

I’m starting to see that endings and beginnings are two sides of the same coin. When Wallace came to our home, it was the end of a dog-free household, a quiet and mostly clean house, and no vet/pet food expenses. It was also the end of the ‘Mom, can we get a puppy, puh-lease; we promise we’ll take care of it’ refrain from my kids. We all know what happened there.

And now, this ending is the beginning of a new chapter. What adventures and surprises might be ahead? All it takes is one or two steps every day. Wallace, we loved you and we miss you. Thank you for the gifts you brought.

Resolutions, goals, yadda-yadda-yadda

It’s the start of a new year, happy new year to all of you!

While some may be excited about goals and resolutions for 2024, having been around the block a few times, I'm a bit more skeptical. I set goals for years and used to be a big proponent of goals: ‘Write them down!’ I would advise my friends, ‘It really works!’

While goals did work for me for a while, I've discovered a new way to look at making things happen. I believe that goals often lead to all-or-nothing thinking. Did you reach the goal? What got in the way? Are you on track? If you missed a goal, get back on your horse and start again! All that thinking was not helpful. I felt good when I reached a goal, but when I didn't, I was disappointed and beat myself up. I would tell myself that I wasn't disciplined enough, I didn't try hard enough, and I was a failure. It led to further thinking: I can succeed 100% in these areas, but I'm a failure in these other areas of my life.

Spherical stones by Alicja Kwade at the Louisiana Museum of Modern Art - Humlebæk, Denmark

Even with my coaching business: Did I follow my outreach plan? Did I meet my revenue goals? Did I do enough? These thoughts led to my feeling discouraged when things didn't go as planned. Some things were in my control, others weren't.

After working with my coach, I came up with a new way of thinking about my goals. Instead of setting goals, I'm going to have adventures. I found an adventure to be a much more flexible way to think about accomplishing something.

Adventures and goals

Goals are serious business, they need to be SMART. They are also linear, starting at point A and moving as efficiently as possible to point B. Steps tend to be cumulative and hierarchical. Outcomes are usually very specific. You celebrate when you get to the end (if you made it). You either reached your goal, or you didn’t, there’s rarely an in-between state.

Hiking trail to Mount Fløyen, Bergen, Norway

Adventures on the other hand, are much more fun. With an adventure, there are highs and lows, things that work and things that don't. You stretch yourself in one direction, learn something, then try something else. The entire trip is often fun and interesting and the parts that aren't so much fun make for great stories afterward. You meet and connect with fellow travelers. There are rest stops, side trips, unexpected events, and crazy coincidences. Things become flexible and expectations are: you get there when you get there. There's no failure, only an experience and the view as you progress towards the top gets better and better. I find this way of thinking much more inviting and motivating.

After the adventure, you can ask yourself:

• What did I like best?

• What did I learn?

• What did I get good at?

• What was the most interesting part?

• What do I want to continue to do?

• What should I stop doing?

• What will my next adventure look like after this experience?

View of Bergen from Mount Fløyen, 2023

So this year, I'm going to have some adventures. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I'm going to enjoy the ride. What adventures are you planning this year?

A fruitless train ride

I just got off the train.  Not just any train, the 'it's not fair' train.  I got on without thinking, and settled in for a nice little 3-day ride.  Amid refrains of 'it's not fair', 'why should I have to do this' and 'why do these things always happen to me?', I had a nice little temper tantrum and rode round and round, getting nowhere.  I told all my friends about what happened (an unpleasant interaction with a neighbor) and anyone else who would listen.  I may have embellished things just a bit for effect, I'm embarrassed to admit.  Of course it was all my neighbor's fault, I was the poor injured victim. I had decided to dig in and make the most of my train ride.

The ‘It’s Not Fair’ Train

You see, the 'it's not fair' train sneaks up when you're not paying attention.  It's very tempting to walk onboard, and before you know it, you're traveling at light speed on a track that circles round and round, going nowhere. Once you get tired of the 'It's not fair' car, you can start wandering towards other cars hoping that the seating or the view is better.  But you find that the other cars ('I'm a good person, I don't deserve this', 'If only things had been different', and the ever-popular 'They should change, not me') are all following the same locomotive on the same track.  There is no resolution and so much time is wasted.  Your mind spends time spinning on the issue, creating bigger stories about how things should have been and how you've been wronged.  Meanwhile, the rest of the world is moving on and you're still riding around in circles.

Settling in for the train ride…

Finally, the story-telling became dull and I realized that this was going nowhere. I had to change my thinking and actions. As the train slowed, I jumped off landing with a thud. It was time to find a solution to this disagreement by working with a coach colleague. I discovered a couple of things about myself and shifted my attitude. There were also adjustments to be made. The situation is much better now: both my neighbor and I have moved on. 

What’s interesting about this train is that we're all free to ride on it for as long as we want to. It can be a popular ride. But here's the thing: when you're on this train, you've chosen to take on a victim role and to give away most of your power. While that can seem comforting for a bit, regaining your power is the way out. How did you contribute to the situation/event? What might be a positive outcome? What's one tiny baby step you can take to start finding your way back (hint: a coach is a great place to start!)

I hope to never board the 'It's not fair' train again, but I don't know, the food in the dining car was really tempting...

Train like an astronaut...

I was recently in Copenhagen for four weeks and settled into a morning routine of walking around The Lakes. They are a series of lakes that used to be part of a moat surrounding the edge of the city but were converted into lakes and walking paths. On one of my walks, I passed by the Copenhagen Planetarium, as it sits at one end of The Lakes. It's an odd-looking cylindrical building with three tall steps leading to the edge of the building. What caught my attention was the writing on the steps: 'Træn som en astronaut' (Train like an astronaut). I assumed the steps were used by athletes and fitness trainers for various workouts.

Train like an astronaut, Copenhagen Aquarium, October 2023

During the first part of my stay, I walked by them and thought 'What a good idea'. But continued my walk without another thought. A few days later, I considered maybe trying the steps but feared I might look ridiculous trying to climb up and down the steps. What would people say? What if I fell? Or tripped? Never mind that nobody knew me, yet I was worried about what strangers might say.

Later that morning, I ran across an Instagram post from Mark Manson:

Wow. Why was I afraid to appear silly or make a fool of myself? How often had I let the fear of 'looking like an idiot' stop me from doing something? I then and there decided that it was okay for me to look like an idiot and that I would never again worry about how ridiculous I might look.

I decided to try the steps on my next morning walk. The first day, I worked my way up to the top (it wasn't elegant) and then came down. My quads were a little shaky, but I managed to go up and down without falling or using my arms to steady myself; Mission accomplished, I did it once. Yay me!

When I got home, I decided that with seven days left in Copenhagen, I would train my body to do 7 in a row by the end of the week. The following day, I went up and down the steps twice. Each day, I increased the challenge by one, gaining confidence in my balance and strength. I started to feel a bit of pride in trying something completely new and seeing little bits of success.

On the day I left Copenhagen, I did my morning walk and went up and down the steps 8 times! My legs felt strong, but more importantly, I reaffirmed that I could teach my body new things, and this increased my confidence.

My latest mantra is 'Train like an astronaut, and be okay with looking like an idiot'. The best outcome: you visit the moon. The worst outcome: a scraped knee on the steps of an aquarium in Copenhagen. All in all, those are pretty good results!

Might there be something you’re missing out on because you fear looking like an idiot?

Swans on The Lakes, October 2023

Art, Resilience, and Coaching

I recently completed a course offered by Tijen Genco called ‘The Genco Method- 5 Steps to Resilience’. This was an important topic for me as a coach and a change management lead.

I started illustrating key concepts during the course to better understand the content. The following interview with Tijen Genco, Marta Regalado, and me provides more insights into the course content as well as the many benefits of doing resilience work!

What are you doing with your space?

A famous quote from Viktor Frankl reads:

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

I found myself getting curious about that space.  How large is it?  What happens there? What are the possibilities? And how does anxiety fit into this space? I came up with this:

The Space

As I worked through this process, I realized that a LOT goes on in this space.  Sometimes the process happens in a few seconds: if I trip and fall, I get back up and continue walking with little thought.  Other times, it can take months or even years: being assigned a new manager with whom we don't get along, and finally finding a role with a new group - 6 months. 

I was very curious about this thought process, as well as the story that’s created about an event.  Let's use the example from a recent client who had been reassigned to a challenging boss.  We've all been there: this new manager doesn't get us and the stress levels can become intolerable.  Here’s what we worked on:

Step 1: Understand

What do you know to be true?  Everything you include here must be a FACT.

• I have a new manager and the relationship is difficult

• I disagree with her approach to work and it's causing me stress.

• She's a terrible manager and should be fired.  ---  this thought, while you may honestly believe it and could share examples of what you perceive as incompetency,  is an opinion, not a fact.  The fact here is that you've taken a dislike to this person and it's affecting your perception. A better way to state this might be: This is an uncomfortable situation because I don't understand my new manager’s thinking process so I no longer know how to work with this person. 

• I am still employed by the same company.

• Several people have given notice in the last 3 months.

• I'm feeling stressed about this change.

Susan T-Rex, BC Museum of Natural History, 2023

Step 2: Explore

What options exist?  What's possible?  How creative can you get here?

• I can stay and do nothing; This always happens and it's just not fair.

• I can stay and complain to anyone who will listen

• I can stay and try a few strategies with my boss to see what may work

• I can challenge my manager and see what happens

• I can stay and talk to HR about this new situation

• I can stay and talk to my manager about our challenge and collaborate on our future working relationship

• I can stay and talk to my colleagues about the new culture that's evolving

• I can explore positions on other teams

• I can revamp my LinkedIn profile and my CV

• I can reconnect with my network and see what other options are out there

• I can focus my energy on the work I know I have to do and my home life

• I can practice better boundaries with this role (signing off my computer at 6 p.m.) so that I limit this manager's influence on my personal life

• I can sign up for a course that will help me learn a new skill, something I've been wanting to do for a while now.

• I can work with a coach to help me decide on next steps

• I can quit and join the circus

• I can take a few mental health days to take a breath and decide on next steps

• I can increase my self-care to reduce my stress levels

• I can drink more wine to make the situation more tolerable

• etc….

There are many options available, and just making this list allows you to reclaim some of your power.  Get creative here.  Are there others who might support you as you create this list?

Step 3: Decide
Choose an option (or more than one).  From the previous list, which option(s) is/are best for you?  Which one(s) best aligns with your values?  Maybe there are choices that work for the short term, and choices that work for the long term so that your solution has multiple options.   What is the best possible outcome?

In this case, my client chose a two-pronged strategy (short-term fix and long-term fix):

• She's staying with her current manager while approaching her interactions with this manager as a lab experiment.  Following every interaction, she made a few notes about what happened, gathering data.  In this way, she's getting more information from her manager's interaction habits and she can explore different ways of behaving to see what might work best.  The reframing of the situation into an experiment allowed her to view this issue as less weighty and allowed for more creativity and openness to new thoughts.

• In addition, she's also updating her CV and warming up her network.  This backup plan gives her more autonomy.

Step 4: Respond

Take action on your chosen path. 

My client put these responses in place and found herself in a very different place within a couple of weeks.  She started to move from victim thinking: 'My manager is making my life miserable' to a more empowered mindset: 'I don't appreciate my manager, but I'm working on several strategies to explore this further. I am also starting to look at other options.’  She's fully into her power and is still ready to make a bigger change if need be.  She's also growing her negotiation and boundary-setting skills. 

Step 5: Reflect

This is an often overlooked step. It's easy to get busy and move on, but taking the time to reflect on the situation can provide important insights and learnings. What worked, what didn't work, and what lessons presented themselves?

To continue the example here, my client realized that when major events happen that don't match her expectations, she is prone to spending a lot of time in victim mode.  This is a natural reaction. As soon as she shifted to what she could control, her outlook changed and she started finding solutions that weren't obvious in her previous thought process.  While her manager wasn't an ideal manager, she also learned to advocate for herself and take charge of her own career.  This change had turned into an opportunity, inviting her to become more assertive, to set better boundaries, and to take steps to move into her next role.  She learned that she did have the skills and abilities to move into her chosen path.  These insights were important reminders of how powerful she really was.

An additional step in the reflection process is to decide on the story of what happened. We start with a story using the initial information we received. But as we get more information, our brains try to make sense of what's coming in, and the story grows. As we move through the process, the story may shift perspectives from a 'woe is me' to a 'wow, I'm pretty resilient!' narrative.  It all depends on the person's perspective.  There's nothing wrong with telling a victim story.  But when you choose to stay with the victim narrative, you've given all your power away and the reality is: that no one is coming to save you.  It will be up to you to reframe the story so that you're the hero and you're taking the lead to move toward your own future. 

This process is not a one-way path.  Sometimes, new information comes into play and you start over.  Sometimes, anxiety keeps clients stuck in Steps 1 and 2 (more on that in the next newsletter).  There are all sorts of bumps in the road, but there are also positive surprises.  The important thing is to take the time to explore this space so that you can make the best decision for you and your situation.  It's up to you to invest the time and energy in what you really want, and no one can do this but you.

Life is full of changes and opportunities to explore new options. What are you doing with your space? Are you giving yourself enough time to work through the different steps while in this space? What do you notice when you take this time?

A boulder falls from the sky...

Imagine a person walking with purpose towards a destination.  Suddenly, out of the sky, a giant boulder falls and lands directly in front of them, blocking their path.  The person is perfectly safe, with no injuries, but now the boulder is in the way, obstructing progress.  As this person starts to realize that they can no longer proceed forward on this path, anger sets in and they start to curse the boulder. 

As onlookers, we can see many solutions to solve this problem: they could walk around the boulder, attempt to climb over it, or seek help to move the boulder.  The chosen solution (yelling at the boulder) yields no results, except to raise blood pressure and to shut down creative thinking.

I used to laugh at this story, thinking that this person was so silly to get so upset; there were many potential solutions out there.  But as I started thinking about the boulders in my life, I had to let go that sense of superiority as I discovered I was guilty of yelling at my own boulders. 

For example, behind my house is an alley that divides the houses on the west and east sides of this block.  When I first moved in and looked out my window in the back, there was a small view.  It wasn’t grand, but I could see for some distance and appreciated watching the big sky. The property on the other side of the alley was old and in terrible shape, but I wasn't too concerned about it. 

The older home is behind the yellow/white building that sits behind the blue tarp.

In March of this year, I started seeing construction equipment near the older home and I watched them tear it down and lay foundations for a new home. 

March demolition

June construction

I wasn't too worried at the time, but soon, anxiety set in.  It was a noisy process and as the days went by, I grew more and more disappointed. The replacement project was three stories high.  Definitely an eyesore from my point of view.

July construction

Upon seeing this, I complained to friends and family.  Woe is me, I don't like the new construction, I no longer feel the sense of privacy and expansiveness that I used to when I looked out this window. 

Looking at it from a new perspective, this boulder landed in my backyard.  And I had done a pretty good job of not only yelling at it but sharing this victim thinking with supportive friends.  Looking back on it, yes, there is a sense of disappointment that things didn't go the way I wanted them to go.  However, there was nothing to be done but to let go of my desire for things to go my way, and figure out what was within my control, and choose next steps. 

As I examined this boulder, I asked myself: what gifts might be hidden here?  It took some reflection, but here's what I came up with:

• The old property was in terrible shape and had not been maintained in the last 20 years, so was likely harboring rats and vermin.  This new construction will create a cleaner and healthier environment in the neighborhood.

• This new property will likely contribute to maintaining, if not increasing the property values of the homes in my neighborhood.

• This home will allow new families to move into the neighborhood and take advantage of the excellent school systems we have here.

• The new construction no longer makes the giant  RV parking structure in the back of my property look so ugly.  I hardly notice it anymore!

• I still love my home and neighborhood, this is really a minor issue.

• I'm growing my resilience and flexibility by accepting new changes in my life.

Now, when I am upset about something, I ask myself, might this be a boulder in my path? What am I hanging on to?

What boulders might be landing in your path?

Wishing you a fun summer!

A West Seattle crow, manning the information booth

Listening as a gift

When was the last time someone listened to you?  They took the time to listen quietly and pay attention to your thoughts, without distraction. They heard what you had to say and took it in. No advice, no judgments, just allowing you to think your thoughts, and talk off the top of your head?  

Active listening is a coach super-power!

If you've every had someone listen to you and be present for whatever it is you're talking about, it can be a wonderful gift. Just a few moments allowing  you to work through whatever is on your mind at the moment.

Active listening is hard to do.  Often, as soon as someone starts talking, the brain starts thinking of solutions and helpful advice.  It comes from a place of love and wanting to help, but ultimately, it rarely does.  And even more challenging, while the brain is busy thinking of solutions and advice, we've stopped listening.

Listening tulips, West Seattle, Spring 2023

In coach training, listening is essential that is practiced over and over. Listening not only for what is being said, but for what is unsaid: the tone, for the pauses, the body language and the emotion behind the thought.  Coaches allow for pauses and silence to encourage the client to complete their thoughts. People are always speaking volumes, but rarely being heard.

When I'm processing something in my brain, thoughts tends to spiral, creating story after story to help me make sense of a topic. When thoughts stay inside the brain, they swirl around like a dust cloud, with no real progress. When they're given a chance to be spoken aloud, all of a sudden, there's an exit door. The process of converting a thought to a spoken sentence allows them to leave your head and to create space for new thinking. If someone is actively listening, the more subtle thoughts that are hidden in the corners of the mind are also allowed to exit the brain. Think of it as brain cleaning.

More listening tulips, My garden, West Seattle, Spring 2023

My invitation to you is the following: during your next conversation, try to listen and take in what is being said. Allow the other person to finish their thoughts and pause. Invite the person speaking to share additional thoughts on the topic. 'And what else' is a good question to ask when you're actively listening. If you find your brain starting to solve the problem or create a solution (which is a natural reaction), return your attention to the person speaking and take in what they're saying. Stay quiet and present. And discover what happens when you do this.

I'd love to hear back from those who try this experiment. What changes do you notice about your conversations?

Neighborhood cherry blossoms, West Seattle, Spring 2023

Choice

If you were to visit me and look at my bathroom mirror you would see the following sign taped to the mirror:

Choose sign, 2023

I made it to remind myself to choose to be happy every single day of my life.  You see, our brains are programmed to look for problems and danger. 

For most of us, when we wake, we'll consider the day ahead and focus on areas of difficulty:  the meeting that we're leading later that morning and are we ready for it ? How will we handle a challenging question?  Or the difficult conversation with a colleague this afternoon. How will we handle ourselves if things becomes contentious?  And the gym class we're supposed to attend this evening.  How will I motivate myself to go when I'm so tired after a day's work?   And who's cooking dinner tonight? 

The belief is often: if I think about it now, I'll be better prepared later on.  That can be true, but the thinking often turns into brooding and overthinking, which is not helpful.  By the time we've processed most of these thoughts, the brain has shifted to a negative mode setting the tone for a bad day.

Wallace on Alki Beach, 2022

What if, instead, we thought about the hot shower awaiting us in the bathroom or the family dog that can't wait to greet us good morning?  And maybe, some interactions may be challenging during the day, but what if we remember that the job we have today is one that pays our bills and allows us to take vacations?  And while getting to the gym class might be daunting, how good do we feel after the class, knowing that we practiced strong self-care today and set our bodies up for success?

Post workout!

When I start retraining my brain to look for the positives, the day becomes lighter and more inspiring. I notice small, happy coincidences during the day: a green light, a good parking spot, the birds singing, a child smiling, the tulips about to bloom. And when I'm lighter, I'm able to share my lightness with the people around me.

Of course, there are times and circumstances in life when this choice is less accessible and even inappropriate (major health challenges, trauma, grief, etc.).  But for most of us, the choice is available to us on most days.

Last year, I joined an organization called Engin, that matches Ukrainian students with English-speakers to help students improve their English skills.  My Ukrainian student shared this inspiring link with me. It's a Ukrainian composer recording many of the sounds of their hometown and creating a piece of music using only those sounds.  The focus is on listening to all of the sounds that still exist in their town: the light rail, the ducks, the bells, etc.  What an amazing choice this composer is making during times of war!

Blackout poetry - turning an old book of dated short stories into something fun and whimsical

What choices do you want to make when you get up tomorrow morning?

A bag of rocks

In the 'It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown' Halloween special, Charlie Brown and his friends go trick-or-treating. All of his friends get candy and meanwhile, he gets a rock.  In the end, all he has is a bag of rocks.  Watching this as an adult, I found the humor a little dark, but then I wondered, are there bags of rocks in my life?

Thingvellir National Park, Iceland, 2022

Every morning when I wake up, whether I realize it or not, I make a decision about how my day is going to go. It's not about the events in my day, it's about how I choose to see those events in my day.  As a part of that process, I also choose what bag of rocks to carry with me. 

I often like to pick up my 'I'm tired of working' bag of rocks.  I drag this bag around the house, allowing it to bang up the walls of my home and spill dirt on my rugs. I like to hang on to this bag, as it's my right to carry this message. I've worked for several decades and I deserve a rest.  So every morning, I choose to pick up this bag of rocks and take it with me on this workday so that I can whine just a little bit. This bag also allows me to not appreciate all that my work in the corporate world has provided to me and my family over the years. There's been enough money to live in lovely neighborhoods as homeowners in good school districts, to take trips to see family in France, and to allow both of my children to complete their college education. 

Bainbridge Island, WA 2019

I also have a great love affair with the 'this is too much work'  and its close cousin 'this is too hard' bags of rocks. I like to drag them around in my yard when the weather's not quite right, or when I would rather take a nap.  Or when it's time to take the vacuum cleaner downstairs to clean the basement. It's great fun balancing these bags as well as the vacuum cleaner as I make my way down the stairs. Funny thing is, the moment I put the bags down and focus on the task at hand, the rocks turn to pebbles, and 20 minutes later, the work is done!

I also rely on my friendly 'you should have known' bag of rocks.  This one is more subtle and not as obtrusive when I first carry it around. It likes to sit in the background and then make its presence known a little later down the road.  Like when I buy things on amazon, it hides behind the couch.  And when I open up my credit card statement at the end of the month, it comes flying across the room saying 'you should have known!'.  Or when eating a little too much dessert.  Again, it hides beneath the dining room table, only to be giggling hysterically on my scale the next morning.

That's not to say that rocks are useless, rocks are an important part of our lives. They're integral to our homes and landscaping, beaches, forests, and mountains.  It's just that collecting them in a bag and carrying them around is tiring and not the best use of my thinking.

Grand Forest, Bainbridge Island, WA 2018

Knowing that these bags of rocks are strewn about my home, I have a choice.  I can either pick them up out of habit or leave them be and create new habits.  It's not easy, and my brain is really attached to carrying these bags.  While it's uncomfortable carrying them, it's even more uncomfortable not having them with me as they've been companions for so long. But the rest of me wants to see what happens if I stop carrying them.  How might my day change if I refuse to carry these bags?  What opportunities might make themselves known?  How might my life be lighter if I let go of these old bags?  Might there be a bag of rocks hiding under your bed? They're pretty clever and like to sneak in when no one is looking :)

Grand Forest, Bainbridge Island, WA 2018

What kinds of problems do you want to solve?

There's a magical place, somewhere out there in the future.  It's a place where our current problems are solved and life is easy. It takes the shape of any number of desires:

• When I get that job

• When I get married

• When I can buy a house

• When I can take that trip

• When I start my family

• When my kids are grown

• When I retire

• When I lose those extra pounds

It's easy to imagine over there and all of the possibilities that come with being over there.  However, over there is rarely better and rarely worse; it's just different.  There are just as many problems to solve over there as there are right here, right now. 

Ainhoa - small town in Basque region - November 2022

While raising my family, life seemed overwhelming.  Between full-time work and caring for family and home, there was rarely a spare minute.  Getting the kids to and from school/daycare/ playdates/ activities/ doctor appointments and making sure they were fed, nurtured, and educated took up most of the non-working portion of my days. I dreamed of a time when they would be older and more self-sufficient.  That time came, and then new worries started: finding coaches/tutors for activities, driving lessons, teen get-togethers, teen peer pressure, and college preparations.  Of course, when they would get to college, that’s when things would settle down.  Only then it became supporting them at college, finding housing, offering emotional support, dealing with stolen bicycles, worrying about how they were adjusting to roommates, class workloads, and managing their independence. 

Gillian and Benjamin eating lunch outside - Spring, 2001

Now that both of my children are adults with careers of their own, I have much more time for myself, but I miss them. I miss caring for them, hearing how their days went, and what they had experienced.  Hearing about their successes and challenges.  I now solve new problems: caring for my house, working at my job, building a coaching business, going to the gym, making better food choices, and caring for Wallace. 

In reaching this stage, I've realized that there is no such thing as a problem-free life.  Every situation has its own set of problems.  Even those who win the lottery have problems (isolation, scammers, debt, loss of community, and challenges with relationships).   The secret is not to wish your problems away, but in finding better solutions to your existing challenges; to grow into new ways of being. 

Staircase inside l’Eglise d’Ainhoa (church) - November 2022

As I’m one who loves to solve problems, questions I like to ask include:

• What happens if I do nothing?  Does this problem need to be solved? What are the benefits of keeping this problem?
  The streets in my neighborhood are old and narrow. And made even narrower when people parallel park their vehicles next to the curb. The result is that when driving through the neighborhood, you have to slow down and occasionally pull over to let someone else through. Some might say to ban parallel parking or widen the streets. But I’ve discovered that I like the way our streets are set up. Drivers are forced to slow down, and I don’t mind pulling over to let someone else through. I wave, they wave back and for a few moments, I’m part of a community. While some might feel like this is a problem, I rather like the situation.

• What might a successful outcome look like? I know I don’t like this particular person/place/thing, but what do I really want?
  I have a neighbor who is not so friendly. While I’d love to be on excellent terms with all of my neighbors, I have no control over this neighbor’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. So success in this case takes the form of me doing my best on my side and not spending too much time worrying about her situation. Maybe she’ll become friendlier, maybe she won’t. But I will do my best to be a good neighbor on my end.

• What type of solution does this problem need: a quick fix, or a complete overhaul?
  My dishwasher doesn't always do a good job of washing my dishes.  I end up having to prewash everything before loading it.  I've had it repaired once before and because it's a fancy dishwasher installed by the previous owner, I had to wait 6 weeks for a repair person and the repair cost was close to $1,000.   Now, I'm wondering, should I replace this dishwasher with a more standard dishwasher that will work more consistently?  Or maybe I can get by with washing most dishes by hand.  If my children were still living at home, the priority would be a new dishwasher. But it's just me and I don't mind washing my dishes by hand.  For now, things will stay the way they are, as washing my dishes by hand is a relaxing activity. 

• What are the benefits of solving this problem?  What unintended consequences might result from solving this problem?
  I have a large RV structure in my backyard that was installed by previous owners.  It's a bit of an eyesore and I've been thinking about having it taken down.  But it’s also provided temporary parking to friends who have a small RV and like to visit the area.  And it’s a covered area where I keep my firewood and my trash cans.
  However, removing it has benefits:  a larger backyard, more sunlight for my backyard plants, a potential space for a small greenhouse, and the removal of an ugly structure.  But, in thinking about this some more, I would see more of my neighbor's work-in-progress shed/garage/workspace/storage area.  This neighbor tends to have several partially finished projects around his yard and the RV structure does a good job of hiding them.  So this is something I'm still pondering.

Poetry - the poetic nature of chaos - Sculpture in Biarritz by Zigor, contemporary Basque sculptor - 2022

My takeaway is that the magical place is right here, right now.  I have so much to be grateful for, even my problems. John Kabat-Zinn says: ‘Wherever you go, there you are’. There is no problem-free life, as I’m taking myself with me wherever I go.