Boundaries are for everyone
Gearharts Fine Chocolates, Charlottesville, VA 2025
A while back, a casual friend asked me a question with the best of intentions, but I didn’t want to answer it: ‘How can you afford to pay for this expensive item?’. I stammered, gave a weak excuse, and felt icky the rest of the time we were together. I considered it an intrusive question, but I didn’t navigate it with grace.
Everyone has their own way of managing their finances, and is free to spend money in whatever way they see fit. A question that starts with ‘How can you afford’ crosses a boundary.
It also got me thinking about other intrusive questions, like:
Are you sure you should be eating that?
How much did that cost?
Why would you do something like that?
Are you really going to wear that?
Why are you still single/ married/ unemployed/ at the same job?
Each of these questions holds a judgment, which is what makes them so uncomfortable. Questions about eating imply you’re making food choices that are different from their standards. If someone asks about costs, there’s the judgment around how you’re spending your money. Etc..
What makes things more difficult is when we’re asked a question, the brain naturally wants to answer it. But when we’re caught off guard, the clever response isn’t always within arm’s reach, so we stammer, offer an explanation we don’t particularly like, and then stew on ‘what I should have said’ for the rest of the day.
Here are some options to store in your brain rolodex (or on your phone):
Why would you ask something like that?
Do you always ask such personal questions?
What makes it important for you to know that?
That sounded judgmental; what was your intention with that question?
What an interesting question; what made you think of that?
Laugh and ask, 'How are your parents?’ or, ‘What vacations are you planning next year?’
You’ll notice that these responses are in the form of a question. This allows you to neatly volley the ball back into the other person’s court, making them want to answer the question, and saving you from answering the original question. The next time someone comes at you with a question you would rather not answer,
Take a breath
Excuse yourself and go to the restroom
Review these responses (or create your own list) and choose one that works for you
Return to the group. If the same question is asked a second time, you’re ready!
These responses allow you to firmly set boundaries with others and decide what information you are comfortable divulging and what information you want to keep private. Some people have fewer boundaries and share information more freely. You get to decide where your boundaries are and how you want to maintain them.
Sharp-edged sign, Bainbridge Island, WA 2022